possessing or showing courage and determination.
derived from the Latin word “valere” whic means
“to be strong”.
That is what this is all about, proving and possessing valiance; being courageous. Being brave. Life is hard and we all go through our share of battles and trials. Sometimes it feels like all we do is lose, but with a little determination… we will all triumph. I once heard someone say, “The battles do not dictate the outcome of the war.” We may lose a few battles here and there, but that shouldn’t discourage us from pressing on to victory.
My name is Erin and I am currently a high-school senior. I created this blog/website thing to hopefully help others by sharing my own personal story. And I really do hope you’re inspired.
I won’t bore you with all the dull details…. in fact, I’ll try to keep this as short as I can. From seventh grade to sophomore year, I struggled with self harm. Cutting myself to be most specific. I can’t really point out a specific time or reason why I started to hurt myself, other than that I did. Once I started, my life started an unstoppable downward spiral. I found myself digging myself in a hole that just kept getting deeper and deeper. Occasionally, I would be able to climb up to the top, almost making my way out of the pit – I was able to quit on my own! But it wasn’t long after that I fell back again, falling deeper and deeper.
I should be honest. I didn’t really like myself in middle school. In fact, I loathed myself. I was the typical awkward middle schooler, lanky and gawky, still trying to figure out where she belonged. My friends seemed uninterested in me, and I felt out of place everywhere I went. I wanted so desperately for a group of “cool kids” to accept me and like me that I changed who I was. I became something I knew I wasn’t. That added to my low self-esteem. I suppose cutting helped fill the void of life. It made me feel. It was something I could control. That’s what I wanted – control. And don’t get me wrong, none of this came from family problems or a bad home life. No, my family was and still are incredible. They’re very supportive. I guess I just didn’t think they’d get it back then. (Boy, was I foolish to believe that!)
As time went on, I sunk into my pit of self hatred and unhappiness. I was in a bad place. By highschool, I had a group of good, wholesome friends. But the feeling of discontentment, inadequacy, and sadness never left me. By then, I was a part of a wonderful church and youth group. However, being so active in a youth group added to my feeling of inadequacy. I let myself believe that everyone else was perfect and had it all figured out… I believed that I was the only one who felt that way. But as time went on, I began to discover that we all battle our own inner demons, some seemingly insignificant, and others huge. This pushed me to get the help I needed – to start my road to recovery.
And I’m still on that road today. Every day, I seek to, perhaps one day, be completely healed of all the past hurts and heartache I put myself through. Although I sometimes hate the fact that I had to go through it all, I have come to realize that God gave me this story for a reason: to help others find their path to recovery. I am proud to say that I have not harmed myself for a very long time. The feelings and urge to do come around, but I’ve become strong and determined enough to resist. The current roadblock that I am facing is learning to be ok with myself and to really, truly like myself – inside and out. I hope that anything I have said has inspired you in some way. I want to offer this blog as a safe place where you can find the encouragement you need to get better. I believe you can and you will. Recovery starts with a simple step and a simple acknowledgement that you cannot do this on your own. You will need other people along the way. People who have been there and people who have not. You will need hands to pull you back on your feet, a shoulder to cry on, arms to carry you, and voices begging you not to give up. Don’t deny yourself other’s help. I am convinced that no matter who you are, there is someone out there that loves you and cares for you and earnestly prays that you ask them for help. And if not? Let me be that person.