life will turn with the leaves.

I am almost down to one month. One month until I leave to start a whole new life at University. One month until I leave all of the friends I’ve grown up with over the years to meet a whole new group of people. One month until I say goodbye to my home of 18 years. One month until life turns.

And I cannot wait.

I can feel autumn in my bones, even though I’m physically stuck in the middle of a sweltering summer. It sounds strange, doesn’t it? But I feel the change on the horizon. When the leaves turn from green to rusty reds and oranges, my life will turn from familiar to totally new and maybe uncomfortable. When the breeze picks up, so shall my life. When the nights turn shorter and colder, my time here will grow distance and more into bittersweet memories. 

I am ready. I am ready for autumn weather, because I desperately hate wearing shorts. I am ready for a new life on campus, full of new faces and new things and new everything. I am ready to grow up and realize that everything here that I thought meant “everything” really meant so little in comparison. Honestly, I am ready to leave these people and these far too familiar faces. I will miss them dearly, some heaps more than others. Others I will learn never truly cared for me, and I will become better for realizing that. I am already starting to realize how superficial some of my friendships are, even though I thought them to be deep and meaningful. Isn’t it strange how easily other’s opinions of you can easily sway someone you called your best friend? Or how people expect you to pick sides? It’s crazy, that’s for sure. Anyway.

As for this town, it will grow sweeter as I am away from it longer. I will begin to appreciate the time I return to visit. I will long for reunions with the coffeeshop I seem to frequent weekly, or the annoying traffic lights that take too long, or the familiarity of it all. 

And finally, as for this life I am leaving, I will grow, grow, grow, grow. I am excited to see the person I transform into, as I get to kind of start over. I will no longer be chained to the preconceived opinions of people, or worry that lies or rumours will effect people’s judgment. I need not worry about that any longer. And that is a relief.

So, dear leaves, I hope you change very soon. Because I am ready.

more than just a pretty face.

 Who am I, really? Beneath the glowing smile and behind the glowing eyes, just who am I? You probably wonder the same thing. Do you ever wonder just who the girl behind the screen is? Who belongs to these words and these outpourings of her heart? I do. 

I won’t deceive you. This post isn’t meant for me to explain to you who I am, or to convince you that I’m a good, interesting person. That is for you to decide. This post is more or less for me, as I continue to figure out who I am and where I’m going. And try to learn to be a bit more confident with who I am, both inside and out.

So here I am, just a simple girl in this great big world of ours, with wide eyes, taking in everything and every place I meet. A smile to welcome strangers, who may well end up becoming life long friends. Open arms to comfort the people I care deeply about. Strong shoulders to carry the weight of living. Gentle feet to take me to wherever it is my heart desires, and to dance of course. And soft hands to hold my dreams and expectations, and take hold of the promises of life.

Keep your face always toward the sunshine –

and shadows will fall behind you.

-walt whitman

she’s out to start a fire in this barcode, plastic world.

(switchfoot)

I want to achieve greatness. I want to impact people and say things that will help them.

Don’t get me wrong, I do not want to be other people’s savior. No, I believe that in order to really be saved, you must learn to save yourself. It sounds harsh, but it is the honest truth. Relying on other people to save me personally got me no where. It wasn’t until I figured out that I have the strength to fight for my own redemption. That is when I truly was rescued, but by my own will and courage.

I have a friend who believes in me. He would believe until the world ends. He would probably go his grave with the words, “I believe in Erin Estherlyn” on his lips. He refused to be my savior. He was the one who taught me that I needed to find strength in myself, not other people. (Don’t get me wrong though! Now that I’ve found my own courage, I do find love, hope, and encouragement in others. But they’re not the sole reason I am where I am today.) He always knew I would do something great, perhaps even change the world. He laughed at me when I blurted out the jumbled sentences that formed in my head. But laughed in an accepting, ‘i love you for who you are’ sort of way. He never yelled at me when I relapsed or shamed me when I told him about the deep dark demons of the past. Rather he looked at me with hope in his eyes and said, “You’re going to make it. I believe in you, Erin.”

And it is his faith in me that makes me want to achieve great things. It makes me feel like I could conquer the world with love and compassion tomorrow if I set my mind to it. His words makes me want to set the world on fire. (in a good way. It sounded better inmy head, believe me.)

So here I am, running this little blog of sorts. I don’t think of it as a blog anymore, rather as a collection of my “word vomit”, where I spew anything and everything that comes to my mind. I hope to God that one day, the words I write or say or sing will impact someone. I want to be that friend I just told you about to other people, one who inspires others and makes them feel like they could set their own world on fire. I want to live a life of significance. No, I do not ask for fame or fortune or recognition… I just want people to remember me as the girl who set her own world ablaze, leaving nothing and no one the same.

Isn’t it strange how much of an impact one single person can have on you?

“No matter what anybody tells you, words and ideas can change the world.” (dead poets society)

All of my life I’ve wanted to be that person that changes the world with simply her words. I spent countless hours dreaming and fantasizing about how I would do so. Maybe I’d write a book? Maybe I’d become a public speaker? Maybe my lyrics would touch hearts? I thought about how I might change strangers’ lives and impact the world for the better. But I never thought about how I could change those around me.

Until I found myself catching up with an old friend. The conversation was nostalgic and full of “remember when”s. We laughed about the good times and marveled over how much things have changed. Then said friend muttered something about how hard it is to escape our pasts, and how much they effect our presents and futures. I agreed with the words, “i guess it’s our demons that make us who we are.”

My friend paused, smiled, and asked if they could use that. I thought they were joking, of course, and agreed.

Months later, my words became their first tattoo. At first, I was a little shocked. And then flattered. And then embarrassed. And then shocked again. I mean… I said something that touched someone so much to get it permanently branded on their skin. My words have been immortalized on the arm of a friend who might not even be in my life twenty years from now. (though I hope so!)

How crazy is that? All my life, I’ve been searching for ways to inspire others with my words…only to have a friend find comfort and understanding in a simple sentence I blurted out. It felt odd. I’ve collected quotes and words from poets, authors, world changers and musicians in various journals or notebooks. I meticulously jot down the words of other inspiring writers in my journals, keeping them stored away for when I need them. Those words have changed me and changed how I view the world over the years, and I’ve always felt indebted to people I never even knew and never will. I’m indebted to them because of their words.

And now I’m that writer to someone else. Though it feels odd, it also feels empowering – as if I could very well take on the world with words. To quote my favourite movie ever;

Words have more impact than we know. Are your words impacting others in a positive way?

I’m not necessarily a poet

A body marred by her own hand.

A heart mangled by others.

A soul burdened by living

A mind seeking redemption.

I penned this poem during a rather low time. I decided to add to it now:

A body finding healing

A heart giving grace

A soul seeking peace

A mind that found redemption.

-erin