Tag Archives: love

See Ya Soon, Kid.

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See these people? These people are something like a second family to me, and they have been for five years of my life. That’s a fairly long time in comparison to all the friendships that have faded over the years. Let me tell you a little more about this team and posse of sorts.

With shaking hands and a nervous smile, I auditioned to play keys in my youth group’s worship team. I was new to the youth group scene, and didn’t know a soul. I remember sitting in my church’s youth room rather nervously, peering around at the new faces. Those new, unfamiliar faces would become my nearest and dearest friends. (little did I know.) I don’t remember much of my first year with the team, honestly. I was terribly shy, and stood in my little corner of the stage every week, meekly plucking out some chords on my keyboard. I soon befriended the bass player, however, since he was closest to me on stage. We were all knew to the whole worship team thing, and had a lot to figure out. But thankfully, we were able to figure it out together.

And slowly, but surely, the years passed. Camps and retreats and youth group outings brought us all closer, and I began to come out of my shell. I was soon spending much of my time with these people, and really befriending them. The fellows in the band became like my brothers, and Kaitlin became one of my best friends. I began to see God work in us as we grew up and matured in our talents and spiritual walk. Leadership was born in an unsuspecting one of us, and just last year Andrew became the worship leader of our team. It was amazing to us, since just a year prior to that he refused to sing in front of any of us. In retrospect, I’m astounded by all that God has done in us. It’s truly incredible. And more than half of us are going into music or some type of music ministry! I personally would have never even considered a future in worship ministry had I not become part of the team. It’s really helped me understand and grow my passion for worship and glorifying God with my musical talents and abilities.

So, that’s the story of how we met and how we got to where we are now. Sadly, that’s not what this post is about. This post is about how we’re all parting ways in a few short weeks. Our decisions and colleges will take us to four different states. Four! 

It’s slightly hard for me to imagine life without these people by my side. We’ve taken on so much together that it only seems right that we should take on college together. But, God has different plans for us. I’m so proud of these guys and gal for where they’re going and who they’re becoming. Amazing, incredible things are going to happen because of them – I just know it. 

Goodbyes aren’t easy, and I am especially not fond of them. But it really isn’t goodbye, I suppose. It’s more of a “see ya soon”. Although I am SO excited to start a whole new season of my life at Cedarville University, I’m really looking forward to the breaks when we all get to come home, reconnect, and update each other on our lives at college. I’m also really excited to see the new worship team that’s rising up – it’s comprised of many eager underclassmen who I can tell are going to grow into great leaders very soon.

To end this post, I shall leave you with the words of Winnie The Pooh:

How lucky I an to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.

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things to remember.

Do not fall for the boy who doesn’t care about the words you’ve written or the ones you will write. For if he doesn’t care for the words you write, he will grow not to care about the words you say. He will not care about the words you do not say.

Do not fall for the boy who doesn’t care about the books you read. The one who won’t listen as you chatter on excited about Sal Paradise’s adventures across the United States, and how the road is life. The one who doesn’t listen to your 2 AM epiphanies about life and living and the value of adventure. The one who ignores your dreaming and ramblings about leaving everything to find everything. How could anyone ignore the fire and passion in your eyes after you breathed the words of Howl for the first time? He must be blind indeed.

Do not fall for the boy who doesn’t care about your favourite song. The one who doesn’t see the way your heart rises and falls to the tempo and the beat. The one who doesn’t watch as you silently whisper the words to this song – this song that reminded you that you’re not alone in life. Music speaks.

And do not fall for the boy who doesn’t see you as a work of art. As something crafted so perfectly unique, with complex brushstrokes in your hair, and vibrant colours and hues in your lively eyes. For if he doesn’t see you as a work of art, he will not treat you as one. He will not care about the “fragile” and “do not touch” signs. My dear, stay far away from that one. Don’t ever, ever let him tell you that you’re anything less than a masterpiece.

Wait. Just wait a little bit and do not settle.

Wait for the boy who reads carefully over the words you’ve written, and smiles when he sees his name scribbled in there. He will understand the words of your heart, and know the words your smile and your eyes say.

Wait for the boy who listens patiently as you chatter about your favourite books and authors. The one who smiles with love as you recite William Butler Yeats’ poetry to him. The one who will even read you your favourite book to fall asleep. That is the boy who loves you for all of the passion and fire in your soul.

Wait for the boy who knows your favourite song just as well as his favourite song. The boy who knows when to play it for you when you’re feeling especially blue. In time, he’ll learn to sing harmony to your melody.

Wait for the boy who treats you like a piece of art. The boy who loves everything aspect about you. The boy who sees no flaw, but characteristics. The boy who respects your body like one would respect the Mona Lisa. One does not have to feel art to feel it (if that makes sense…). 

Finally, wait for the boy who waits for you. The one who is patient and understanding, because sometimes life is confusing and you often don’t know what you want exactly. If he truly loves you, he will wait for the right timing. He will wait during the hard times, and the times you feel like you don’t know yourself anymore. Be patient, silly heart. He’s out there.

the cross = love.

I think I’ve written before of my inabilities to forgive and my struggle to have a gracious heart. I’ve told you of my trials and tribulations, and the redemption I’ve found in Christ. I’ve bore my heart to people I don’t even know through this little blog of mine, and I really couldn’t tell you exactly why. Maybe it’s because it is a healthy outlet for me as I continue to walk this road of recovery. Maybe it’s because I want you to feel like you’re never alone. Maybe it’s both.

Maybe it’s because I feel like my story is worthwhile and worth telling. I could be burdened with the weight of things I’ve done, things I’ve said and things that have happened to me. But I am not. I am no longer chained to the past and my regret. Although the past haunts me in my waking and my sleeping, it no longer binds me. I’m learning to live a life without shame, for I have been made new. I have been set free through the blood of Christ Jesus.

The cross equals love. He does not look on me as a sinner, stained with regret and worry and mistakes. No, He sees me as a new creation – crafted by His careful hand. He looks at me with joy and pride, for I am HIS child, blameless in His sight. Even on the lowest days, when I feel absolutely repulsive from the ick of my mistakes, He still sees me as a beautiful work of art. Sometimes it’s hard for me to understand this. So often I don’t believe it. But it is true.

And I want you to know that. I understand that many of you don’t believe in God or share my convictions, but I want you to know that you are loved and accepted. Your past does not define you. You are present, you are here. And your future holds so many unexpected, wonderful things. I believe in you. I believe that you can be valiant. 

contentment // relationships // lessons learned

I am a very generally discontent person. There is always something better ahead, something I wish I had, or something I am not pleased with. I tend to think too much ahead or too far into the past, without really caring about the present. And let me tell you, a year ago I was miserable with the fact that I was single. You see, I was in my junior year of highschool and it seemed like all of my friends were in seemingly happy, wonderful relationships. Even the freshmen! I was envious, upset with my lack of ability to get a boyfriend. Typing this I’m realizing how petty and dumb I was being…

In any case, I began to pursue dating. But every attempt failed and I just ended up getting more and more hurt in the end. I became increasingly discontent with that and wondering why in the world things didn’t work out. (But looking back, that was a blessing in disguise. It saved me from a lot of more serious hurt and heartache.)

This went on until I realized that I was focusing on the wrong thing. Guys and relationships were totally distracting me from what’s most important – God and my relationship with Him. I began to understand that He wanted me to learn contentment in my life. Until I learned to be content single and without the attention of a guy, I didn’t deserve to be in a relationship. I slowly but surely let God take that part of me and I became content with singleness. I waited.

And waited. And waited so much.

Until I fell in love. I fell head over heels in love.

With life. I became a joy-filled person, absolutely passionate about life and the people within it. I became compassionate in ways I didn’t think I could and I began to see the beauty in everything. I found peace in Him and in this life He has given me.

After I became content, He let a wonderful guy come into my life. The relationship was great while it lasted, but somethings aren’t meant to last forever. I learned a lot about myself and relationships in those six months, and I really believe it happened for a reason. Now I am learning to be content again. It is harder this time, but I am learning to be content in my walk with God until He lets another fellow join us.

monkees // lyric thursday

Then I saw her face,

now I’m a believer.

not a trace 

of doubt in my mind

I’m in love,

I’m a believer, I couldn’t leave her

if I tried

What makes me want to believeLove.

Love is one of the strongest of emotions and the greatest feeling you can have towards another. Now, the Monkees are talking about a romantic kind of love, but I am referring to a universal love. The love you feel towards the earth, humanity, people in general. I realize that it is very difficult to love, especially when you’ve been hurt. Sometimes it feels like there are those out there who do not deserve our love and compassion. However, God calls us to love one another, no matter what. We are called to love sacrificially and unconditionally, and above all – selflessly. 

I thought love was more or less a giving thing,

the more I gave the less I got,

what’s the use of trying?

All you get is pain.

When I wanted sunshine I got rain.

I’ve felt this way before. I felt like I poured myself out until I was empty, receiving nothing in return. I give and I give, and others take and they take. After awhile, you begin to feel like you deserve something in return. But that is not the case. While I do not promote being a doormat and giving people what they want to the point where it is harmful for yourself, true love and compassion is sacrifice and selflessness. Sometimes, in order to lift someone else up, we must lay ourselves down. It isn’t fun and it isn’t what we want to do. But in the end, we will be rewarded in some way or another. 

Consider the ones who have sacrificed their wants for our well being. Don’t they inspire you? Wouldn’t you like to be more like them?

Love and friendship. They are what make us who we are, and what can change us, if we let them

– Emily Giffin

Will you be a believer?

lights will guide you home…

I always find myself blogging by the window while it rains, with a cup of tea by my side. There’s something incredibly serene in the sound of raindrops pounding on the roof of my house. I enjoy the rain more than most normal people might to be honest. One time my mother yelled at me for standing out in the rain without an umbrella, getting soaked through. But I didn’t mind. I’m the obnoxious friend who splashes in the puddles as she walks, kicking up water with her feet. Some think rain to be an inconvenience, but I find it refreshing, as it washes the earth over. To me, rain signifies a new beginning. Washing something clean.

Sometimes I wish it would rain in my soul, because God knows that my soul needs a good cleansing. I long for the rain to pummel away all the dirty smudges and icky past regrets and scars on my heart. I wish a simple, gentle rain could wash away all the things I am not very proud of. But unfortunately, things don’t work that way. I must learn to accept these things.

I see people around me wishing the same thing, that their pasts could be obliterated. They long to be ransomed and redeemed from their regrets. They cry out in their own ways, not sure if anyone cares. It breaks my heart to see that because I care very much. I wish I could help others in some way when I see them going through things, but so often I am simply helpless. That kills me on the inside. I hate feeling helpless in any situation. If I could, I’d gather all the bruised, broken people in my arms and let them know that someone cares deeply and genuinely. People really need that. I know I need that sometimes. My own arms are weak at times, my own heart is heavy, my own mind is distracted, and my own wrists are scarred. But they make me who I am and I’n learning to be okay with that. And since I’m accepting who I am, I want to extend compassion and unconditional love to the ones who aren’t really okay with themselves yet. I want to let others know they are never, ever alone – no matter where they are in life. Because the worst thing is feeling like there is no one to turn to. 

…And I will try to fix you.

epiphanies to a severely sleep deprived mind

Last night I pulled an allnighter with hundreds of middle schoolers. I won’t go into detail, but I am a leader for a middle school youth group. So, we took 30 some of our crazy kids to a local University and joined a bunch of crazy youth groups and stayed up all night. Call me insane, but I had an incredible time.

Anyway, I was accompanied by my two best friends in the whole world. And we basically transformed into middle schoolers for a few hours. I’ve known these two since we were in junior high ourselves, and it felt strange to think that this is one of the last things we will do together as seniors. The two of them are going to do amazing things after graduating, I know it. They’re both on track to go to great colleges and do great things. It’s exciting to think about our futures. I’ve always been so proud of them, like a little sister who’s always looking up to them. I’ve seen them grow through hard times and good times and every time in between, and they’ve remained strong. I get teary eyed just typing this, as I think about how much I owe to them. (but then again that might be the lack of sleep.)

But the thing is, they are proud of me too. They’ve seen me triumph and fail and get back up again. They have always had my back in everything, never once have they left. After knowing them for so long, it’s easy to see what every facial expression they make means. And yesterday (or early this morning. however you want to look at it…) as we were leading our band of middle schoolers, we looked at eachother with pride. I don’t know why really. It just kind of happened that way. And not the egotistical kind of pride, rather the pride that people who have something to be proud of have. 

you feel your heart beat loudest when it’s breaking

(switchfoot)

Isn’t that true though? It’s very rare that we know how alive we are until the moment that our world is shattered, a dream is crushed, or someone walks away. When the words we most certainly do not want to hear are uttered, we can hear our hearts pound like a drum and our chests feel as if they might explode. 

Why is this? 

I think it’s because heartbreak is sort of like an unwelcome wake up call, shaking us to a harsh and bitter reality. It reminds us that we are human, life is not perfect, things go wrong… yet we’re still alive. It is proof that, yeah… life can be hell. But we are still alive, breathing, and carrying on nonetheless. Even amidst the hardest of trials, the brutalist of breakups, and the most difficult of days… our hearts still beat the steady rhythm of life. 

When heartbreak rears its ugly head in my own life, I often close my eyes, take a deep breath, and listen for the faint beating of my own heart. The more I listen, the louder it grows. And somehow, knowing that I am still alive and well, the heartbreak doesn’t feel so bad. As the bitterness of the hurt and heartache swells in my chest, I like to think of it as my existence making itself unashamedly known.

So often I do not know what to think or how to feel about things, or I get anxious about what’s next. What soothes me is the simple fact that I am here and I am alive for a specific reason. Although I’ve yet to understand or figure out that reason, it comforts me nonetheless. 

Listen to your heart beat for it is the rhythm of your life. What is it trying to tell you?

monday morning. (or wednesday afternoon)

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She may be young but she only likes old things, 

and modern music it ain’t to her taste,

She loves the natural light

captured in black and white.

 

She sees mirages of mountains ranges

within the blink of her eyes this changes

back tot he open plains

oh no, she can’t explain.

(death cab for cutie – monday morning)


Have you ever stumbled across a song that perfectly defined who you are and who you want to be all at once? That’s what this song is for me. 

What song accurately sums you up? What song would be in the soundtrack to your life? What lyrics do you most relate to? tell me in the comments – I’m intrigued!

-erin