Tag Archives: depression

Anything and everything?

I would do anything  for you

if it would keep you here with me.

And I would change everything for you,

if I just knew that you would stay.

– anything and everything, the icarus account

I adore the Icarus account, an indie twosome made up of the talented Turner twins. Their songs are generally “feel good” with a cutesy vibe. They came up on shuffle as I was listening to spotify tonight, and this song struck me. But not in a good way…

The lyrics above are consisted of words that I have personally said or thought and I’m sure many of you have or well. Words that you’ve said to someone, begging them to stay. Words that you’ve thought because, just maybe changing something about yourself or your circumstances would prevent them for leaving. But is that a healthy mindset? 

Is it really healthy to sacrifice your own happiness and health for someone else? I tend to think that, no, it’s not okay. It’s easy to say and swear that we would do anything for the one we love, and perhaps we would! But perhaps we also need to think about ourselves and if that is a good thing for us. This probably seems contradictory to my posts about being selfless and putting other’s needs ahead of ours, but this is very different. I’ve seen too many people I care about being controlled by their emotions and feelings by the one they loved. Sometimes the ones we care about most are the ones who are most destructive to our mental health and happiness.

I beg you, don’t change anything about yourself just to make another person happy. Don’t do something you aren’t comfortable with to make the one you love stay. Don’t sacrifice anything about yourself because someone tells you they won’t love you anymore if you don’t. I beg you, don’t do that. Because in the end, sometimes that person leaves anyone, no matter what you do or what you give. And then you’ll be left broken and hurt deeper than you can imagine. I beg you not to give anything and everything that will harm you and your mental health.

release (an original) // lyric thursday… sort of.

release by Estherlyn. (that’s me!) A quick little post before lyric thursday is over even though it technically is already.

I was yours like a bird in a cage,

The only thing I knew was flying 

but you took that away.

 

I was yours like a monarch in a jar,

you crushed my wings 

I could not escape.

I’ve written quite a few times about how I was held captive to a nasty addiction. But with that addiction came the monster of depression. You may write me off as a normal teenager, going through a rough time and blaming it on depression. But that is not the case. For me, it is believed to be genetic, probably inherited from a birthmother who abused drugs and alcohol before she gave birth to me. (my adoptive mother is great, please don’t confuse the two!) My doctors were incredibly worried once they were told it was probably genetic. But before I actually went to the doctors, I struggled alone. I couldn’t comprehend why I felt so lifeless. I did not want to do anything but sleep and eat occasionally and sleep some more. I began to loathe any human interaction. When I absolutely had to be around others, I put on a fake face and smiled until it hurt. My true self was becoming a ghost to the girl who could fool near everyone.

So release me, I was never yours to keep locked away.

So release me, I am my own, I am my own today.

So release me, take the shackles off this heart of mine

So release me, I was never yours, I was never yours to keep.

A couple years later, I still struggle with depression. I am so much better now, with help from therapists and a change in diet. I still feel a bit embarrassed admitted my struggle to others, but I’m learning that it’s okay. I’m channeling my energy and feelings into expressing myself in ways for others to relate and be able to feel like someone understands. Because I do understand.

I am my own, I have been made new.

No longer bound by the shame and regrets,

I am made new.