Tag Archives: blogger

See Ya Soon, Kid.

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See these people? These people are something like a second family to me, and they have been for five years of my life. That’s a fairly long time in comparison to all the friendships that have faded over the years. Let me tell you a little more about this team and posse of sorts.

With shaking hands and a nervous smile, I auditioned to play keys in my youth group’s worship team. I was new to the youth group scene, and didn’t know a soul. I remember sitting in my church’s youth room rather nervously, peering around at the new faces. Those new, unfamiliar faces would become my nearest and dearest friends. (little did I know.) I don’t remember much of my first year with the team, honestly. I was terribly shy, and stood in my little corner of the stage every week, meekly plucking out some chords on my keyboard. I soon befriended the bass player, however, since he was closest to me on stage. We were all knew to the whole worship team thing, and had a lot to figure out. But thankfully, we were able to figure it out together.

And slowly, but surely, the years passed. Camps and retreats and youth group outings brought us all closer, and I began to come out of my shell. I was soon spending much of my time with these people, and really befriending them. The fellows in the band became like my brothers, and Kaitlin became one of my best friends. I began to see God work in us as we grew up and matured in our talents and spiritual walk. Leadership was born in an unsuspecting one of us, and just last year Andrew became the worship leader of our team. It was amazing to us, since just a year prior to that he refused to sing in front of any of us. In retrospect, I’m astounded by all that God has done in us. It’s truly incredible. And more than half of us are going into music or some type of music ministry! I personally would have never even considered a future in worship ministry had I not become part of the team. It’s really helped me understand and grow my passion for worship and glorifying God with my musical talents and abilities.

So, that’s the story of how we met and how we got to where we are now. Sadly, that’s not what this post is about. This post is about how we’re all parting ways in a few short weeks. Our decisions and colleges will take us to four different states. Four! 

It’s slightly hard for me to imagine life without these people by my side. We’ve taken on so much together that it only seems right that we should take on college together. But, God has different plans for us. I’m so proud of these guys and gal for where they’re going and who they’re becoming. Amazing, incredible things are going to happen because of them – I just know it. 

Goodbyes aren’t easy, and I am especially not fond of them. But it really isn’t goodbye, I suppose. It’s more of a “see ya soon”. Although I am SO excited to start a whole new season of my life at Cedarville University, I’m really looking forward to the breaks when we all get to come home, reconnect, and update each other on our lives at college. I’m also really excited to see the new worship team that’s rising up – it’s comprised of many eager underclassmen who I can tell are going to grow into great leaders very soon.

To end this post, I shall leave you with the words of Winnie The Pooh:

How lucky I an to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.

things to remember.

Do not fall for the boy who doesn’t care about the words you’ve written or the ones you will write. For if he doesn’t care for the words you write, he will grow not to care about the words you say. He will not care about the words you do not say.

Do not fall for the boy who doesn’t care about the books you read. The one who won’t listen as you chatter on excited about Sal Paradise’s adventures across the United States, and how the road is life. The one who doesn’t listen to your 2 AM epiphanies about life and living and the value of adventure. The one who ignores your dreaming and ramblings about leaving everything to find everything. How could anyone ignore the fire and passion in your eyes after you breathed the words of Howl for the first time? He must be blind indeed.

Do not fall for the boy who doesn’t care about your favourite song. The one who doesn’t see the way your heart rises and falls to the tempo and the beat. The one who doesn’t watch as you silently whisper the words to this song – this song that reminded you that you’re not alone in life. Music speaks.

And do not fall for the boy who doesn’t see you as a work of art. As something crafted so perfectly unique, with complex brushstrokes in your hair, and vibrant colours and hues in your lively eyes. For if he doesn’t see you as a work of art, he will not treat you as one. He will not care about the “fragile” and “do not touch” signs. My dear, stay far away from that one. Don’t ever, ever let him tell you that you’re anything less than a masterpiece.

Wait. Just wait a little bit and do not settle.

Wait for the boy who reads carefully over the words you’ve written, and smiles when he sees his name scribbled in there. He will understand the words of your heart, and know the words your smile and your eyes say.

Wait for the boy who listens patiently as you chatter about your favourite books and authors. The one who smiles with love as you recite William Butler Yeats’ poetry to him. The one who will even read you your favourite book to fall asleep. That is the boy who loves you for all of the passion and fire in your soul.

Wait for the boy who knows your favourite song just as well as his favourite song. The boy who knows when to play it for you when you’re feeling especially blue. In time, he’ll learn to sing harmony to your melody.

Wait for the boy who treats you like a piece of art. The boy who loves everything aspect about you. The boy who sees no flaw, but characteristics. The boy who respects your body like one would respect the Mona Lisa. One does not have to feel art to feel it (if that makes sense…). 

Finally, wait for the boy who waits for you. The one who is patient and understanding, because sometimes life is confusing and you often don’t know what you want exactly. If he truly loves you, he will wait for the right timing. He will wait during the hard times, and the times you feel like you don’t know yourself anymore. Be patient, silly heart. He’s out there.

I write because I must.

Words. Words. Words. My life is full of words. If someone could peek into my brain, they would see a constant outpouring of words and syllables and letters that make up who I am and what I think and how I convey myself to other people. Those who know me well can attest to the fact that I am happiest when I am scribbling away in one of the dozens of journals that I own. It’s not uncommon for them to see me hunched over a notebook, furiously writing away. Of course, I am not writing anything of importance really. No, I’m just getting the thoughts out of my head and onto something tangible – the paper.

Why do I write? You ask. Well, to be completely honest, I write because I feel I might implode if I don’t. The words and thoughts I accumulate in this brain of mine in a day’s time can get overwhelming. I process things delicately, yet quickly. If someone is talking to me, I tend to get distracted because my brain is focusing on how I can reply to them. On average, I can come up with three or four different ways to reply in a few short seconds. It sounds weird, doesn’t it? But that’s just how this mind of mine works. 

Sometimes the thoughts are screaming at me, requiring me to write them in bold, capital letters at the tops of napkins. Other times they are quiet and gentle, sometimes inspiring song lyrics. Still other times they are barely coherent, and I barely even know when they say when I jot them down. But seeing those words transferred from the complexities of my thoughts in my head, to a piece of paper I can hold in my hand soothes me. It brings me comfort. It helps me make sense of everything. It helps me breathe.

I’ve said all this to answer a question: Why did you start this blog? Why do you write?

I write because I must. 

life will turn with the leaves.

I am almost down to one month. One month until I leave to start a whole new life at University. One month until I leave all of the friends I’ve grown up with over the years to meet a whole new group of people. One month until I say goodbye to my home of 18 years. One month until life turns.

And I cannot wait.

I can feel autumn in my bones, even though I’m physically stuck in the middle of a sweltering summer. It sounds strange, doesn’t it? But I feel the change on the horizon. When the leaves turn from green to rusty reds and oranges, my life will turn from familiar to totally new and maybe uncomfortable. When the breeze picks up, so shall my life. When the nights turn shorter and colder, my time here will grow distance and more into bittersweet memories. 

I am ready. I am ready for autumn weather, because I desperately hate wearing shorts. I am ready for a new life on campus, full of new faces and new things and new everything. I am ready to grow up and realize that everything here that I thought meant “everything” really meant so little in comparison. Honestly, I am ready to leave these people and these far too familiar faces. I will miss them dearly, some heaps more than others. Others I will learn never truly cared for me, and I will become better for realizing that. I am already starting to realize how superficial some of my friendships are, even though I thought them to be deep and meaningful. Isn’t it strange how easily other’s opinions of you can easily sway someone you called your best friend? Or how people expect you to pick sides? It’s crazy, that’s for sure. Anyway.

As for this town, it will grow sweeter as I am away from it longer. I will begin to appreciate the time I return to visit. I will long for reunions with the coffeeshop I seem to frequent weekly, or the annoying traffic lights that take too long, or the familiarity of it all. 

And finally, as for this life I am leaving, I will grow, grow, grow, grow. I am excited to see the person I transform into, as I get to kind of start over. I will no longer be chained to the preconceived opinions of people, or worry that lies or rumours will effect people’s judgment. I need not worry about that any longer. And that is a relief.

So, dear leaves, I hope you change very soon. Because I am ready.

more than just a pretty face.

10455674_689236284457384_7513793816541167307_n Who am I, really? Beneath the glowing smile and behind the glowing eyes, just who am I? You probably wonder the same thing. Do you ever wonder just who the girl behind the screen is? Who belongs to these words and these outpourings of her heart? I do. 

I won’t deceive you. This post isn’t meant for me to explain to you who I am, or to convince you that I’m a good, interesting person. That is for you to decide. This post is more or less for me, as I continue to figure out who I am and where I’m going. And try to learn to be a bit more confident with who I am, both inside and out.

So here I am, just a simple girl in this great big world of ours, with wide eyes, taking in everything and every place I meet. A smile to welcome strangers, who may well end up becoming life long friends. Open arms to comfort the people I care deeply about. Strong shoulders to carry the weight of living. Gentle feet to take me to wherever it is my heart desires, and to dance of course. And soft hands to hold my dreams and expectations, and take hold of the promises of life.

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Keep your face always toward the sunshine –

and shadows will fall behind you.

-walt whitman

summertime epiphanies

It’s been far too long since I’ve written anything. For the past few months, everytime I sat down to write, i felt like I didn’t have the correct words. Even now, I still don’t feel as though I have anything interesting to say.

But I suppose you all deserve an update of sorts, so I’ve compiled a list of three things I’ve been doing.

  • I have been taking more photos and storing up the memories for a time when I will need them. Just today I pulled over whilst driving just to take a few snapshots of the sky and the clouds. I want to remember what the sky here at home looks like when I had to college. I am a very visual person, probably because of my extremely artsy streak. This is why I cherish photographs so much, for looking back at them can almost take me back to that moment in time. Photos, to me, are like dogeared pages in the book called “my life”.
  • I have been taking more risks and stepping outside of my comfort zone. Those who know me well can attest to the fact that I really enjoy comfort zones. I get nervous easily and I’m incredibly shy when you first meet me. But, with a little encouragement from a few friends and a whole lot of practice, I’ve become the person that walks up to strangers and asks them how they’re doing. I no longer cringe at the thought of first encounters, but welcome them. It is now quite easy for me to carry on an interesting conversation with someone I barely know. I believe this will help me tremendously as I enter University in just over one month.

 

  • I have been spending more time alone. This may sound a little odd to you, but spending time with just myself has taught me so much. I’m learning how vastly complex I am, and that that is just fine. I’ve discovered that if my friends want to hang out and I really do not wish to, it’s okay to say no. I do not need to push myself to be the person everyone expects me to be. I’m learning that I am much stronger than I once thought. Learning to be content by myself has also shown me that I need not look for a relationship at the moment. Although it is disheartening that most all of my friends are in relationships or have significant others, being single is where I need to be. In fact, I quite like the freedom of not having to worry about such a petty thing like wondering who likes me and what not. There are still many complexities to my personality that I haven’t yet figured out, but I know I will get there soon enough.

As you can see, I’ve learned in these past few months. As for the experiences and things I’ve gone through in that time, I don’t have enough space to even begin to explain it all. But perhaps that will be saved for a few future posts. 

All in all, my summer is going quite wonderfully, and I hope the same goes for you all.

summer skin.

And so with the sunshine and the bursts of leaves growing on the trees, just as things grow in fast movies, I had that familiar conviction that life was beginning over again with the summer.

– F. Scott Fitzgerald.

 

Oh, how I adore this quote. It is one that rings true, even in my own life. I find myself feeling ecstatic as the summer begins, flooding my town with sunshine and good vibes. The grass is turner greener, and the trees are bursting with leaves. The flowers are blooming in the garden, and I’m sitting outside on our patio listening to my neighbors mow their lawns and work on outdoorsy projects. There’s a certain universal joy that everyone is experiencing as they enjoy the wonderful weather. It feels fresh and new, like nothing that has happened before.

And perhaps that is what the summer does to us. Perhaps it reminds us that we can start over and that the trials and cold of winter is not eternal. Perhaps it reminds us that things can begin again. 

So I shall shed the skin of winter, the hard and tough armor that I suited myself with. I will leave that behind me and take on my summer skin, ready for all of the new adventures and promises of this season.

dreaming of travel.

Live, travel, adventure, bless, and don’t be sorry.

– Jack Kerouac

Oh, be still my heart. I have such a fond spot for the ever wonderful Jack Kerouac and his contributions to literature. I often imagine what it would have been like to live in the Beat Generation, adventuring across the U.S with he and Neal Cassady, experiencing things and writing about them. I dream of living on the road for some time in the future, simply writing stories of the people I meet and taking photos of the things I see.

You see, I have a hunger for adventure and discovery. I’ve never been content to stay in one place for too long. I’m fascinated by the fact that we all have stories, and I yearn to go to different places to hear other people’s stories. 

Perhaps one day I shall hit the road with a select few friends and learn more about this world through the eyes of others.

the cross = love.

I think I’ve written before of my inabilities to forgive and my struggle to have a gracious heart. I’ve told you of my trials and tribulations, and the redemption I’ve found in Christ. I’ve bore my heart to people I don’t even know through this little blog of mine, and I really couldn’t tell you exactly why. Maybe it’s because it is a healthy outlet for me as I continue to walk this road of recovery. Maybe it’s because I want you to feel like you’re never alone. Maybe it’s both.

Maybe it’s because I feel like my story is worthwhile and worth telling. I could be burdened with the weight of things I’ve done, things I’ve said and things that have happened to me. But I am not. I am no longer chained to the past and my regret. Although the past haunts me in my waking and my sleeping, it no longer binds me. I’m learning to live a life without shame, for I have been made new. I have been set free through the blood of Christ Jesus.

The cross equals love. He does not look on me as a sinner, stained with regret and worry and mistakes. No, He sees me as a new creation – crafted by His careful hand. He looks at me with joy and pride, for I am HIS child, blameless in His sight. Even on the lowest days, when I feel absolutely repulsive from the ick of my mistakes, He still sees me as a beautiful work of art. Sometimes it’s hard for me to understand this. So often I don’t believe it. But it is true.

And I want you to know that. I understand that many of you don’t believe in God or share my convictions, but I want you to know that you are loved and accepted. Your past does not define you. You are present, you are here. And your future holds so many unexpected, wonderful things. I believe in you. I believe that you can be valiant. 

the finish line.

Today was my last day of high school, and I couldn’t be more ecstatic. I worked hard and I learned a lot over the course of these last four years.

But now I begin to think about the new adventure I shall embark on starting in August – college.

And I am scared and excited and nervous all at once. My stomach turns in knots whenever I think about it. Will I succeed? Will I make friends? Who will I hang out with? Will I like the professors? Will I enjoy classes?

All of these unknowns swim around in this brain of mine and I can barely handle it. I have hopes and expectations, yet I am terrified that they all will crumble around my feet. In complete honesty, I am not world’s most sociable person. In fact, I probably would be considered painfully shy. I get nervous around people I don’t know and fear that they won’t like me. 

But the thing is… every one of my classmates next year will feel the same way. Many of us do not know each other or even know who we are. We will fumble around, trying to make sense of life and make sense of what we want to do/who we want to be. None of us will have it completely figured out, though all of us believe that every one else does. It will be a chaotic mess, but there will be beauty in the chaos. We will learn alongside of each other and discover things we did not know about ourselves. We will learn and learn and learn, though not just academically. We will learn who we want to be and where we want to go together.

So, as I have crossed this finish line of high school, I prepare for the starting line of college. And I think I’ll be ok.