Category Archives: Uncategorized

an update of sorts.

I haven’t written something in ages. In fact, to me it feels like a lifetime since I’ve had the opportunity to sit down and write something that’s not a paper for Intro to Worship Ministry, or a History assignment, or a literary analysis. My last post was dated in July, just a few weeks before i left for this endeavor they call college. Time flew, and now I’ve been here for nearly six weeks. Crazy, right?

I suppose I’ll start somewhere from the beginning of this experience. I moved in last month, and life took off from day one. I began my life here, filled with adventures after adventures my first few days in the Ville. I befriended a quirky little group that we lovingly dubbed “The Dream Team” and they have been my constant companions. We’re composed of an outspoken Chemistry major, a lovable chemical engineering major, a quiet but hilarious mechanical engineering major, a very talkative, blunt nursing major, and me and my roommate (worship majors). Our weeks are made up of “studying” nights which always turn into movie nights, and our weekends involve adventures taken in Josh’s car, lovingly named Sammy the Saturn. Having this Dream Team has made college and the stress of my workload a little more manageable. I truly don’t know what I would do without them by my side.

I’ve also been keeping myself busy within my major. I actually know many freshmen in my major due to various camps and college visits, and we seem to all get along nicely. It’s interesting seeing them in class, but never much outside of class. Everyone comes from different backgrounds and some are much more experienced than others. I’m somewhere in the middle experience wise, so it’s interesting to see both sides of the spectrum. Upon coming here, I’ve realized how much I have to learn. Back home I was the big fish in the pond. Here? I’m a minnow swimming amongst sharks. It’s eye opening to say the least.

Life is moving fast. Sometimes when I’m walking to class by myself, I think of how things were just a year ago. Back then, it felt like college would never come. I felt as though I was stuck in the world of high school forever. But now I’m here and I’m going to classes and studying and running on limited sleep like every other student. When walking past certain buildings, I can sometimes catch my reflection in the windows. It always astounds me as to how I’m old enough to be able to be out on my own in this great big world. That thought makes me feel a little bit tougher. I thought that I would be weak on my own, without my companions by my side. But I’ve made it this far by myself. I’ve achieved so much. Much more than I thought I ever could.

As for things back home… let’s just say that I’m not ready to face the reality that I left. I’m a runner. I run far and fast away from conflict or friendship difficulties or any problem really. I left a lot of loose ends back home, and I’m not ready to go back to them. College has been a new beginning of sorts; a breath of fresh air in my burdened life. Here, the past is non existent. The only ones who know even a little of my past are my roommate and my childhood friend who’s attending the same college. The past has stopped haunting me here for the most part.

And as for me… Well, I’m doing fantastic. I’m probably happier than I ever have been. I’m surrounded by incredible community and friends who really and truly care. I’m healthy, mentally and physically. And I’m pursuing a career that I’m passionate about. Life is wonderful.

Advertisements

See Ya Soon, Kid.

1555546_10202802547815781_995247311_n

See these people? These people are something like a second family to me, and they have been for five years of my life. That’s a fairly long time in comparison to all the friendships that have faded over the years. Let me tell you a little more about this team and posse of sorts.

With shaking hands and a nervous smile, I auditioned to play keys in my youth group’s worship team. I was new to the youth group scene, and didn’t know a soul. I remember sitting in my church’s youth room rather nervously, peering around at the new faces. Those new, unfamiliar faces would become my nearest and dearest friends. (little did I know.) I don’t remember much of my first year with the team, honestly. I was terribly shy, and stood in my little corner of the stage every week, meekly plucking out some chords on my keyboard. I soon befriended the bass player, however, since he was closest to me on stage. We were all knew to the whole worship team thing, and had a lot to figure out. But thankfully, we were able to figure it out together.

And slowly, but surely, the years passed. Camps and retreats and youth group outings brought us all closer, and I began to come out of my shell. I was soon spending much of my time with these people, and really befriending them. The fellows in the band became like my brothers, and Kaitlin became one of my best friends. I began to see God work in us as we grew up and matured in our talents and spiritual walk. Leadership was born in an unsuspecting one of us, and just last year Andrew became the worship leader of our team. It was amazing to us, since just a year prior to that he refused to sing in front of any of us. In retrospect, I’m astounded by all that God has done in us. It’s truly incredible. And more than half of us are going into music or some type of music ministry! I personally would have never even considered a future in worship ministry had I not become part of the team. It’s really helped me understand and grow my passion for worship and glorifying God with my musical talents and abilities.

So, that’s the story of how we met and how we got to where we are now. Sadly, that’s not what this post is about. This post is about how we’re all parting ways in a few short weeks. Our decisions and colleges will take us to four different states. Four! 

It’s slightly hard for me to imagine life without these people by my side. We’ve taken on so much together that it only seems right that we should take on college together. But, God has different plans for us. I’m so proud of these guys and gal for where they’re going and who they’re becoming. Amazing, incredible things are going to happen because of them – I just know it. 

Goodbyes aren’t easy, and I am especially not fond of them. But it really isn’t goodbye, I suppose. It’s more of a “see ya soon”. Although I am SO excited to start a whole new season of my life at Cedarville University, I’m really looking forward to the breaks when we all get to come home, reconnect, and update each other on our lives at college. I’m also really excited to see the new worship team that’s rising up – it’s comprised of many eager underclassmen who I can tell are going to grow into great leaders very soon.

To end this post, I shall leave you with the words of Winnie The Pooh:

How lucky I an to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.

things to remember.

Do not fall for the boy who doesn’t care about the words you’ve written or the ones you will write. For if he doesn’t care for the words you write, he will grow not to care about the words you say. He will not care about the words you do not say.

Do not fall for the boy who doesn’t care about the books you read. The one who won’t listen as you chatter on excited about Sal Paradise’s adventures across the United States, and how the road is life. The one who doesn’t listen to your 2 AM epiphanies about life and living and the value of adventure. The one who ignores your dreaming and ramblings about leaving everything to find everything. How could anyone ignore the fire and passion in your eyes after you breathed the words of Howl for the first time? He must be blind indeed.

Do not fall for the boy who doesn’t care about your favourite song. The one who doesn’t see the way your heart rises and falls to the tempo and the beat. The one who doesn’t watch as you silently whisper the words to this song – this song that reminded you that you’re not alone in life. Music speaks.

And do not fall for the boy who doesn’t see you as a work of art. As something crafted so perfectly unique, with complex brushstrokes in your hair, and vibrant colours and hues in your lively eyes. For if he doesn’t see you as a work of art, he will not treat you as one. He will not care about the “fragile” and “do not touch” signs. My dear, stay far away from that one. Don’t ever, ever let him tell you that you’re anything less than a masterpiece.

Wait. Just wait a little bit and do not settle.

Wait for the boy who reads carefully over the words you’ve written, and smiles when he sees his name scribbled in there. He will understand the words of your heart, and know the words your smile and your eyes say.

Wait for the boy who listens patiently as you chatter about your favourite books and authors. The one who smiles with love as you recite William Butler Yeats’ poetry to him. The one who will even read you your favourite book to fall asleep. That is the boy who loves you for all of the passion and fire in your soul.

Wait for the boy who knows your favourite song just as well as his favourite song. The boy who knows when to play it for you when you’re feeling especially blue. In time, he’ll learn to sing harmony to your melody.

Wait for the boy who treats you like a piece of art. The boy who loves everything aspect about you. The boy who sees no flaw, but characteristics. The boy who respects your body like one would respect the Mona Lisa. One does not have to feel art to feel it (if that makes sense…). 

Finally, wait for the boy who waits for you. The one who is patient and understanding, because sometimes life is confusing and you often don’t know what you want exactly. If he truly loves you, he will wait for the right timing. He will wait during the hard times, and the times you feel like you don’t know yourself anymore. Be patient, silly heart. He’s out there.

I write because I must.

Words. Words. Words. My life is full of words. If someone could peek into my brain, they would see a constant outpouring of words and syllables and letters that make up who I am and what I think and how I convey myself to other people. Those who know me well can attest to the fact that I am happiest when I am scribbling away in one of the dozens of journals that I own. It’s not uncommon for them to see me hunched over a notebook, furiously writing away. Of course, I am not writing anything of importance really. No, I’m just getting the thoughts out of my head and onto something tangible – the paper.

Why do I write? You ask. Well, to be completely honest, I write because I feel I might implode if I don’t. The words and thoughts I accumulate in this brain of mine in a day’s time can get overwhelming. I process things delicately, yet quickly. If someone is talking to me, I tend to get distracted because my brain is focusing on how I can reply to them. On average, I can come up with three or four different ways to reply in a few short seconds. It sounds weird, doesn’t it? But that’s just how this mind of mine works. 

Sometimes the thoughts are screaming at me, requiring me to write them in bold, capital letters at the tops of napkins. Other times they are quiet and gentle, sometimes inspiring song lyrics. Still other times they are barely coherent, and I barely even know when they say when I jot them down. But seeing those words transferred from the complexities of my thoughts in my head, to a piece of paper I can hold in my hand soothes me. It brings me comfort. It helps me make sense of everything. It helps me breathe.

I’ve said all this to answer a question: Why did you start this blog? Why do you write?

I write because I must. 

life will turn with the leaves.

I am almost down to one month. One month until I leave to start a whole new life at University. One month until I leave all of the friends I’ve grown up with over the years to meet a whole new group of people. One month until I say goodbye to my home of 18 years. One month until life turns.

And I cannot wait.

I can feel autumn in my bones, even though I’m physically stuck in the middle of a sweltering summer. It sounds strange, doesn’t it? But I feel the change on the horizon. When the leaves turn from green to rusty reds and oranges, my life will turn from familiar to totally new and maybe uncomfortable. When the breeze picks up, so shall my life. When the nights turn shorter and colder, my time here will grow distance and more into bittersweet memories. 

I am ready. I am ready for autumn weather, because I desperately hate wearing shorts. I am ready for a new life on campus, full of new faces and new things and new everything. I am ready to grow up and realize that everything here that I thought meant “everything” really meant so little in comparison. Honestly, I am ready to leave these people and these far too familiar faces. I will miss them dearly, some heaps more than others. Others I will learn never truly cared for me, and I will become better for realizing that. I am already starting to realize how superficial some of my friendships are, even though I thought them to be deep and meaningful. Isn’t it strange how easily other’s opinions of you can easily sway someone you called your best friend? Or how people expect you to pick sides? It’s crazy, that’s for sure. Anyway.

As for this town, it will grow sweeter as I am away from it longer. I will begin to appreciate the time I return to visit. I will long for reunions with the coffeeshop I seem to frequent weekly, or the annoying traffic lights that take too long, or the familiarity of it all. 

And finally, as for this life I am leaving, I will grow, grow, grow, grow. I am excited to see the person I transform into, as I get to kind of start over. I will no longer be chained to the preconceived opinions of people, or worry that lies or rumours will effect people’s judgment. I need not worry about that any longer. And that is a relief.

So, dear leaves, I hope you change very soon. Because I am ready.

more than just a pretty face.

10455674_689236284457384_7513793816541167307_n Who am I, really? Beneath the glowing smile and behind the glowing eyes, just who am I? You probably wonder the same thing. Do you ever wonder just who the girl behind the screen is? Who belongs to these words and these outpourings of her heart? I do. 

I won’t deceive you. This post isn’t meant for me to explain to you who I am, or to convince you that I’m a good, interesting person. That is for you to decide. This post is more or less for me, as I continue to figure out who I am and where I’m going. And try to learn to be a bit more confident with who I am, both inside and out.

So here I am, just a simple girl in this great big world of ours, with wide eyes, taking in everything and every place I meet. A smile to welcome strangers, who may well end up becoming life long friends. Open arms to comfort the people I care deeply about. Strong shoulders to carry the weight of living. Gentle feet to take me to wherever it is my heart desires, and to dance of course. And soft hands to hold my dreams and expectations, and take hold of the promises of life.

10384922_689242237790122_3208306488493511955_n

Keep your face always toward the sunshine –

and shadows will fall behind you.

-walt whitman

summertime epiphanies

It’s been far too long since I’ve written anything. For the past few months, everytime I sat down to write, i felt like I didn’t have the correct words. Even now, I still don’t feel as though I have anything interesting to say.

But I suppose you all deserve an update of sorts, so I’ve compiled a list of three things I’ve been doing.

  • I have been taking more photos and storing up the memories for a time when I will need them. Just today I pulled over whilst driving just to take a few snapshots of the sky and the clouds. I want to remember what the sky here at home looks like when I had to college. I am a very visual person, probably because of my extremely artsy streak. This is why I cherish photographs so much, for looking back at them can almost take me back to that moment in time. Photos, to me, are like dogeared pages in the book called “my life”.
  • I have been taking more risks and stepping outside of my comfort zone. Those who know me well can attest to the fact that I really enjoy comfort zones. I get nervous easily and I’m incredibly shy when you first meet me. But, with a little encouragement from a few friends and a whole lot of practice, I’ve become the person that walks up to strangers and asks them how they’re doing. I no longer cringe at the thought of first encounters, but welcome them. It is now quite easy for me to carry on an interesting conversation with someone I barely know. I believe this will help me tremendously as I enter University in just over one month.

 

  • I have been spending more time alone. This may sound a little odd to you, but spending time with just myself has taught me so much. I’m learning how vastly complex I am, and that that is just fine. I’ve discovered that if my friends want to hang out and I really do not wish to, it’s okay to say no. I do not need to push myself to be the person everyone expects me to be. I’m learning that I am much stronger than I once thought. Learning to be content by myself has also shown me that I need not look for a relationship at the moment. Although it is disheartening that most all of my friends are in relationships or have significant others, being single is where I need to be. In fact, I quite like the freedom of not having to worry about such a petty thing like wondering who likes me and what not. There are still many complexities to my personality that I haven’t yet figured out, but I know I will get there soon enough.

As you can see, I’ve learned in these past few months. As for the experiences and things I’ve gone through in that time, I don’t have enough space to even begin to explain it all. But perhaps that will be saved for a few future posts. 

All in all, my summer is going quite wonderfully, and I hope the same goes for you all.

Anything and everything?

I would do anything  for you

if it would keep you here with me.

And I would change everything for you,

if I just knew that you would stay.

– anything and everything, the icarus account

I adore the Icarus account, an indie twosome made up of the talented Turner twins. Their songs are generally “feel good” with a cutesy vibe. They came up on shuffle as I was listening to spotify tonight, and this song struck me. But not in a good way…

The lyrics above are consisted of words that I have personally said or thought and I’m sure many of you have or well. Words that you’ve said to someone, begging them to stay. Words that you’ve thought because, just maybe changing something about yourself or your circumstances would prevent them for leaving. But is that a healthy mindset? 

Is it really healthy to sacrifice your own happiness and health for someone else? I tend to think that, no, it’s not okay. It’s easy to say and swear that we would do anything for the one we love, and perhaps we would! But perhaps we also need to think about ourselves and if that is a good thing for us. This probably seems contradictory to my posts about being selfless and putting other’s needs ahead of ours, but this is very different. I’ve seen too many people I care about being controlled by their emotions and feelings by the one they loved. Sometimes the ones we care about most are the ones who are most destructive to our mental health and happiness.

I beg you, don’t change anything about yourself just to make another person happy. Don’t do something you aren’t comfortable with to make the one you love stay. Don’t sacrifice anything about yourself because someone tells you they won’t love you anymore if you don’t. I beg you, don’t do that. Because in the end, sometimes that person leaves anyone, no matter what you do or what you give. And then you’ll be left broken and hurt deeper than you can imagine. I beg you not to give anything and everything that will harm you and your mental health.

Comparison is the thief of joy.

– Theodore Roosevelt 

I stand in front of the mirror, meticulously peering at my reflection before I go out for the day. I look first at my outfit – these shorts aren’t fitting me like they’re supposed to today. This shirt hugs my stomach a bit too much for my liking. My oddly proportioned body just seems awkward in this outfit, and I change into something different, for fear of everyone else thinking the same thing. I throw on a cardigan to cover up my unfit arms and I sigh, i guess this will do.

My focus is turned to my hair and I long for it to be longer like every other girl I know. The weather has turned it frizzy, and I wish for perfect hair. As if that were a thing. 

Next I look at my face, my attention turning to the imperfections and blemishes. I don’t even take much time to inspect my face, for I know I won’t be happy any way. I stand back and take one last look at myself. My shoulders are slumped and I try to suck in my gut a little bit more. that’s not terrible. I mutter before I walk out of my room. It could be better. I could look like her. Or have her perfect skin. Or my best friend’s perfect hair. Or her shape, for I fear I am too petite and not thin enough. I am never content. 


 

Why do we do this? Why do we constantly compare ourselves to who we aren’t, rather than appreciating who we are? No, we will never look like her or him. But that’s okay! We are all created to be different and unique. We are all perfect in our own ways. Do not be afraid to embrace your individuality. Perhaps you have a freckled face? No one else has the same exact freckles as you do! And that one dimple in your cheek? Someone someday will find that the cutest thing ever. The scars that zig zag across your wrists are not reminders of the past, but reminders of the fact that you are here and you triumphed. There is no such thing as an imperfection, for you are you. And you are perfect.

Do not compare yourself to another. Please.

take me back to the start.

Nobody said it was easy,

oh it’s such a shame for us to part.

Nobody said it was easy,

no one ever it would be this hard.

Oh, take me back to the start.

Don’t you love coldplay? I know I do. They’re one band that I always find myself listening to over the years, no matter how much my music taste has changed or how much their sound hasn’t changed.

It’s comforting to come back to something that is so unchanging such as old music. Because no matter how much the music styles have changed, your favourite song or album is still the same as it was the first time you listened to it. Right now, I’m going through a season of changes. I watch as my best friends celebrate their graduations from high school and I prepare to celebrate my own. It feels odd being on this end of the picture. As a junior and sophomore, it always seemed like that being senior was this huge, unattainable thing. It felt as though my last year of high school would never in a million years come. I tended to glorify the seniors, telling myself I’d never be “that cool”. I yearned for the day that everything would change and I would feel like a cool senior. But that day never came. And even now as my friends smile and accept their diplomas in their caps and gowns, I still do not feel as though we ARE seniors. I feel like not much has changed since freshman year, but everything has changed at the same time.

It’s an odd sensation. Looking back at the past three months of my life, things have changed severely. I’m not the same girl who started this blog in late March. In fact, I don’t know fully who I am or what I’m doing. I’m not sure at all. Part of me feels like I lost myself  when my heart broke for the first time. yet another part of me feels like I found myself when that happened. I’m living and I am learning and that is all I know for sure.