release (an original) // lyric thursday… sort of.

release by Estherlyn. (that’s me!) A quick little post before lyric thursday is over even though it technically is already.

I was yours like a bird in a cage,

The only thing I knew was flying 

but you took that away.

 

I was yours like a monarch in a jar,

you crushed my wings 

I could not escape.

I’ve written quite a few times about how I was held captive to a nasty addiction. But with that addiction came the monster of depression. You may write me off as a normal teenager, going through a rough time and blaming it on depression. But that is not the case. For me, it is believed to be genetic, probably inherited from a birthmother who abused drugs and alcohol before she gave birth to me. (my adoptive mother is great, please don’t confuse the two!) My doctors were incredibly worried once they were told it was probably genetic. But before I actually went to the doctors, I struggled alone. I couldn’t comprehend why I felt so lifeless. I did not want to do anything but sleep and eat occasionally and sleep some more. I began to loathe any human interaction. When I absolutely had to be around others, I put on a fake face and smiled until it hurt. My true self was becoming a ghost to the girl who could fool near everyone.

So release me, I was never yours to keep locked away.

So release me, I am my own, I am my own today.

So release me, take the shackles off this heart of mine

So release me, I was never yours, I was never yours to keep.

A couple years later, I still struggle with depression. I am so much better now, with help from therapists and a change in diet. I still feel a bit embarrassed admitted my struggle to others, but I’m learning that it’s okay. I’m channeling my energy and feelings into expressing myself in ways for others to relate and be able to feel like someone understands. Because I do understand.

I am my own, I have been made new.

No longer bound by the shame and regrets,

I am made new.

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