And there will come a time, you’ll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.
Apparently I’m on a mumford and sons kick tonight. I’m currently listening to their entire discography on repeat, so that’s probably part of it. This part of the song, lyrically, always reminded me of myself. Maybe it’s because of the sweet memory of wearing my once waist long hair in braids with flowers poking out of them. I may have been an ugly duckling of a child, but there was something beautiful about the free-spirtedness and joy I had. (though let’s be honest, I’m still a bit of an awkward one even now.)
But I think the main reason this song reminds me of myself is because I’m learning to have grace. I’ve been wronged many a time, and I’ve wronged others even more than that. I will be brutally honest. I can hold onto a grudge like all get out. I can harbor bitterness and anger in my heart for years. If I have a reason to hold a grudge, I will hold onto it for a very long time. I know now that that is not a healthy way to live, and I am learning slowly but surely to have grace and to replace the bitterness with unconditional love.
The reason for my rather sad, miserable posts has been me beating myself up for a breakup and what not. Don’t get me wrong, things are fine with the other person! In fact, things will probably be much better this way. I just have a hard time forgiving myself for putting myself in the position to get hurt. I have a rather irrational fear of getting hurt by another person, and I keep a pretty sturdy lock on my heart. It takes a special person to break down the walls. That person tore the walls down and I let myself fall much harder than I should have. I would like to believe in fairytales. I really would. And I thought we’d have a storybook kind of romance. But we are not princess and princes or knights and maidens. We are human. And some things don’t work.
I became very angry at myself for ever letting myself get into a relationship. (it sounds silly, but after seeing many a friend get hurt by highschool relationships, I swore I’d never do that to myself.) I became very miserable following the breakup. I was very upset with myself.
But I realized… I have a choice. I can either wallow in my own misery, upset about what I saw as my own mistake. Or I can be thankful for the fun six months we had, thankful for the impact he had on my life. These last six months were great and now that I think about it… I wouldn’t change it for the world. I can either choose bitterness or joy.
And I choose joy.
Moving forth, I’ve become a much happier person. I’m beginning to see that maybe the whole reason for the relationship was to tear down those tall walls so that I might begin to let people in. I’m learning. I’m growing. I’m seeking. I’m watching. I’m learning to love most of all.
My heart is, for the first time in a very long time, light as a feather. I feel at peace and I feel very loved and accepted. Life is beautiful and definitely worth living.